Monday 14 September 2009

How to correctly use a Chainsaw in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse


With the chain saw running, you are holding an extremely dangerous implement. You should remember this at all times. When the chain is turning at full throttle it passes each tooth through the flesh at least 10 times per second. There are at least 60 teeth on the average chain. Whilst this has the desired effect on a Zombie it would do considerable damage to your body.



When holding a running chain saw, make sure you keep the chain brake engaged until you are ready to cut. When you’re actually cutting, ensure the chain saw is running at full throttle. This will reduce the chances of the chain saw binding or kicking back once you hit bone. The chain saw should also never be allowed to touch the ground. Please be aware that a zombie’s flesh is significantly softer than our own, try and keep your slices controlled and aim for the head and neck area.



Phrases to use when branding a chainsaw include:
  • “suck on this!”


  • “You damn crazies what did you do??, WHAT DID YOU DO??!!”


  • “Choke on ‘em, Choke on ‘em!!!”


  • “hahHAHHahahAHHAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAH!!!”

Wearing the correct protective clothing is also important when using a chain saw. Your head and face need particular protection from any flying debris like blood, skull and vomit, but by the same token, a chain saw can do a great deal of damage to legs and arms if not properly under control. Hockey masks and ear protectors are all good ideas. Also refrain from wearing baggy clothing which may risk being caught in the moving chain saw.



Avoid Chain saw kickback, follow the paramount rule: Do not allow the upper quadrant of the chain saw nose to touch your victim or any other obstacle. If a tooth passing this fulcrum point suddenly encounters a particular tough area of the body, it can effectively stop the chain, passing all the motion of the chain into the body of the chain saw, which recoils violently upward toward the operator. For this reason and because your hand may not be able to activate the chain break, it is a good idea to position your body so that, the chain saw can pass relatively harmlessly through the body, and straight up towards the head and neck.


The key point is always to be aware and alert when using a chain saw. Following a few simple steps will make chain saw use much safer and much much much more fun.

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